Chuck Jones’ letters to his daughter, Linda

Monday, January 11

Post #48

Dearest moppet:

We have not yet recieved word whether or not you have arrived back at school.  If you have not, please let us know, there is no particular reason to continue to pay if you are no longer there.  I would like to help [the Headmaster] and all that but I’d rather make a direct contribution and get credit for it than continue to pay for a non-existent student.  Of course, there is always the possibility that you have returned.  If you have or if you hear where you are please let us know so we can proceed accordingly.  You might try asking around among the other kids, it’s just possible that some of them might have heard a rumour of what might have happened to you.

You’ll notice in the first line above that I am still having trouble with the i before e routine especially in the word “receive”.  I know that it is after c there, any fool can see that, but it still doesn’t look right.  But then “recieve” doesn’t look right either (iether?).  When you run something through a sieve and then do it again is that resieve?  I cannot believe that any language could be conceived (that looks wrong too) in which the exceptions exceed (e before e, except after c) the rule.  Then the rule would be exceeded by the exceptions and the exception would become the rule and the rule the exceptions.  How about “Y before X, except after sex”?

There are only fifty-seven shopping days left before Arbor Day.  I think we should inaugurate Reverse-Arbor Day, in which everybody chops down a tree, thus everybody is kept happy and everything is kept in balance.  Look at it this way:  If everybody in the United States planted only one tree on Arbor Day, and many plant more (sneaks) then there are 165,000,000 ½ trees planted each year on that day alone.  The ½ is a bush planted by mistake.  In only one thousand years there would be 165,000,000,000,000 new trees in the United States and you wouldn’t be able to walk across the room without an axe.  Highways would be overgrown; toilets filled with weeping willows and eucalyptus, wheat fields with pepper trees and peat bogs with persimmons.  Only answer: Reverse or Anti-Arbor Day.

I keep flinging out these magnificent ideas and you keep ignoring them.  Here I am stinting myself, living on Filet Mignon and Champagne and all to keep you in luxury, all to stuff you like a chicken with erudite.  Hell, child, respond, build me an empite (empire, that is!)  (In the foregoing sentence the ! should have been outside the “)  “rather than inside it)

We enjoyed having you with us during the Holidays.  No holiday seems quite the same without the pitter-patter of little feet around the house, tiny grubby finger prints on the wallpaper, the shrill baby voice, the ‘I want a drink of beer’ late at night, the changing of the diapers…..

Your sire…

One thought on “Chuck Jones’ letters to his daughter, Linda

  1. Chris

    Absolutely Hypnotic!
    Chuck traverses through prose and verse without as much as the hint of dampness on his forehead.
    True Genius. I believe some of this rubbed off on the whole family.
    I am trying to pass myself off as a long-lost 3rd cousin, thrice removed……..

    Reply

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